I talked to mom last night because somehow she always makes me feel better when I'm feeling bad, just like dad used to. I always asked him for advice because he wasn't just my dad, he was my best friend too.

Anyway..we didn't get to talk much last night because she had to wake up early in the morning, so I emailed her this:

***

I was cleaning my room before and I found some old stuff in my closet. It was letters, pictures, gifts, shirts etc, from my old girlfriends and girls that liked me (some still do). Reading all those letters made me really sad and it made me feel bad too for hurting them. I wonder like....why did I have to hurt them (break their hearts?) when I didn't have to? It just really broke my heart reading some of them cause of the way they had said some things and they didn't even mean to make me feel bad, you know? cause I wasn't even meant to get some of those letters.

yeah I didn't feel the same at some point obviously but what changed. why did I use to like them but not anymore. and how could something that started so great, end up so badly? why did I want to be around them so bad at one point & then I just wanted to forget about them? I wanna know how could I have hurt them though? when at some point they (or well some of them), were one of the people I cared for the most? the person I shared everything with? how can I just ignore everything, and act like nothing ever happened?

If I could go back, I'd change so many things, just so I wouldn't have hurt any of those girls.. and fool around with some. but most of all, I wouldn't have led them on, knowing they weren't what I wanted. I guess I can't change the past though & I can just learn from mistakes & not repeat them.

why do these things happen though? why can't people just stick to one person & be happy forever? and feel about them how they first did? why do people have to get hurt cause of something (the relationship) they've been hanging onto for a long time? wouldn't it be easier if things stayed the same all the time? why do they have to change?

I hate change.

And now I'm wondering like, you know.. why didn't I just hook up with steph right away? or why would I hook up with those girls if things were gonna end up so badly? I guess its cause we don't know what's gonna happen in the future. And I know I'm going to sound really selfish or heartless for saying this - but if thats what I had to do - to get where I am now....to be with steph - then I really don't regret doing anything.

***

And this was her reply:

I know you hate changes, Alex, but they are a necessity, always.

At what point in your life would you like to stop growing and going on? If the clock had simply stopped ticking when you were with one of those girls you talk about, you would be now stuck in a "relationship" with someone who was probably very wrong for you. You wouldn't have met Steph. And you would be a different person.

This same process goes on and on and we should try to appreciate what we gain, not what we lose.

Love can be a very fleeting emotion: there are no guarantees whatsoever that the deepest love of this world will last forever. Our views change, our interests change (and luckily so: can you imagine you loving, say "New Kids on the block" forever?). Our priorities change. Keep in mind that for every single thing we lose, there are at least a couple of new things we like.

I have had my share of love stories which ended badly, and at the time I thought I would never recover. But I did, and when I look back now, I smile invariably. So, you may have hurt girls because you merely could not respond to their love or things like that, however, you know as well as I do that there are worse things. And that's just how life goes, it will always give you the opportunity to make choices and this is how you make your own personality. Changes allow people to move on and give them another chance in their life; to learn from what they see and hear and to find themselves.

I also think that by reading all these letters again after some years may remind you of the person you were. But it seems that you focus too much on the sad part of each stories you had with each of them. Would you like for yourself to be still the person you were at 15? I don't think so. If you are feeling what you're feeling right now it's only because you changed, and you changed into someone who is evidently better than before, and the growing, and learning goes on. Right now you just realise things you couldn't when you were younger cause your interests grew wider through the years. In every relationship, you find something that is worth it, that will help you to understand upcoming events better (events or poeple you'll meet), it is your very own experience that you are building and it is only possible because you feel all the changes in society as well as those which are right inside you which define who you are today and who you'll become.

Life is unpredictable and full of surprises and it may play you tricks at any time. They are like little challenges you have to cope with in your own way... no matter what the outcome may be. You have to play the game and make it to your advantage. And yeah you wouldn't have met Steph if you didn't go through all of this. I don't know...as long as you are happy now, this is all that matters, isn't it?

Remember there is always a reason for things to happen, and change, and by dwelling in the past we do nothing better than undervaluing what we have now. The glass should always be half full, not half empty.

One last thing; you don't sound selfish at all. Steph makes you happy, I know she does. Just don't let her slip through your fingers like the other girls, because she's great.

***

Reading her email really did make me feel better, and I love her so much for always being there for me during all these years. I really am so thankful for having such a wonderful mom as her who is always there for me, supports me all the time and loves me unconditionally. And its just not possible for me to write down how much I really appreciate and admire her.

mixtapes and memories